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and wanted to be his intirely, I soon got a strong desire to
go and live with the Sisrs, but durst not make it known,
thinking I was too bad; but when I cou'd conceal it no longer
I ventured to tell my Father, he gave me no incouragement
at all: but as I cou'd not give it up, I speak to my Labouress
about it, who promisd not to forget me as it was a
good while before I got leave to go, and I was weak and
unsteady in mysilf; the things of this world took again
hold of me, and provd a temptation to me in many
respects- but my dear Savr never left me, but let me
feel I was not right, and causd me to be very uneasy
about my poor soul, so that I coud do nothing but pray
him to make out a way for any escape, from the many
snares and temptation which were in my way.
March 25th 1770 I obtaind leave to go and live with
the S. Srs at Gumersall, for which I was very thank
full, and now it was my only desire to prosper in the
Congr to learn more of mysilf an also to become more
acquainted with our Savr. Febr 23d 1772 I had the
favour to be recievd into the Congr which was a great
comfort to me. May 4th 1773 I was receivd into the S
Srs Choir; this change prov'd both a blessing and a searching?
of heart to me, I felt more of my corrupted state
by nature, but being very close, and not willing to
be known as I really was: hinderd our Savr work
in my heart, yet I felt him constantly busy to
bring me to the knowledge of himsilf as the Found?
of poor sinners, but instead of coming to him
as a poor Sinner, I stood looking at mysilf so long till
my misery became greater, it was to me as if all the sins I
had ever been guilty of, were laid before my eyes, and I
became quite dark and perplex'd: and thought I had better
leave the Congn then be known just as I was; for I thought,
certainly no one has ever been like me, when I wou'd have
turnd to our Savr it was as if something stood between, so
that I knew not which way to turn for relief for my poor
distressed soul, Novr 28th 1773 I had the favour to be a
spectator at the H: Comunion: which I took as a proof
of our Savrs love to me, that I might know he had not
forgot me; even when I thought I was forsaken of all,
and what a feeling I had of his precious nearness
during that transaction, I can never describe in words;
this encoraged me so that I coud go on chearfull for some
time, but the feeling of my misery still oppressd me, for
for it was nor made quite dear to me that I had hinder'd
our Savrs work by my own striving, and silf? working, at
the time when he wanted to bring one to a clearness in
him and I felt (by the fresh discovery he gave me of my
great misery and wretchedness) that he was now quite
intent to do it, and as I cou'd now do no otherwise, I disclosd
my whole heart to my Labouress; whome I found so tender
and sympathizing that I was quite asham'd. sometime after
having not yet feelt our Savrs forgiveness I came into
darkness and confusion about it, and was not without
thoughts of leaving the Congn being continually distress
on account of my many sins, which I longd to have
blotted out: and be absolvd from. in ?