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in Hannah Tordoff
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Should see it in me, I kept it as I thought undiscoverd as
long as I possibly could, but at last resolv'd to keep it no
longer, but tell it without reserve just as it is was I did so
and found by degrees that I became more chearfull, and had more
confidence to our dr Savr, I had a great desire to be
receiv'd into the Congn, which favour was granted me
Febry 11th 1776 to my great abasement; it was an inexpress
able grace and favour to me and I went on for sometime
chearfullm, and was happy in the nearness of my dr Savr
I thought then to be sure I should never feel myself so bad as
before, but alas this did not hold long; our Savr had
many things to shew me, that I had not known before, he
let me see and feel my self in such a manner as to be and one with
out him a lost soul intirely and an entirely lost soul without him: and it this appear'd on all sides so
dark & gloomy, as if I cou'd not be help'd, and in this sad
state I went on for sometime, till on Novr ye 10th I
was Spectator at the Holy Comn for this first time, this
bowed me in the dust, and gave me a little incouragement
that still our Savr Showed me mercy, and granted me
this favour amidst all my Poverty, I felt a longing to
injoy this highest good, but found that I was far from
being clear, that my Lord had forgiven me everything,
that there was something between him and me causd me
me great pain; in this situation I had many heavy
days & hours, and cou'd not come in nightly to the Point,
I sou'd gladly have done somthing in my own strength, but the more
I strove, the darker I became, till at Length I could no longer hold
it out; I went alone into a room, where I fell on my knees
before our Savr as an undone wretch, when he was pleasd
to draw near in so particular a manner, that all my distress left
me in a moment, and my heart was enliven'd with the sweet
nearness of my best friend, and now I felt, that he had
blotted out all my sins and iniquities, but at the same time
it was as if Some one said to me 'What thou now hast
received, thou hast Still to carry in an earthon Vesel; thou
must not lean alone on this thou must have it renewed
every day and hour out of my wounded heart; This grace
I shall never forget and must thank our dr Savr for it even in
eternity; May ye 4th 1777 I was receivd into the Single Sistrs
Choir and on the 25th of the same month was Spectator the
last time at the H. communion for which I was very thankfull, and on the 19th
of June. partook for the first time of the Lords Body and
Blood, in the H Sacrament; what I felt then, is inexpressible;
therefore I must remain Silent; since that time I have seen and
felt many things that are not to the mind of my dr Savr, but
thro' ihs grace I have been able to come to him with every
thing as a needy Sinner, who tho' I was many times not
heavy and cast down on account of my inate corruption:
yet found I had a mercifull Savr, who could bear with
all my infirmities; In the beggining of May 1778
I was seizd with a bad cold which increasing in its
effects made me think, I might perhaps at this time go to
our dr Savr; with which our Late Sistr Closes her
own account
Her thoughts concerning going home, led her to a more